


An Unexpected Life

by GrnEydDvl



Category: Hakuouki
Genre: Accidental Relationship, F/M, Requited Unrequited Love, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-16 20:54:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19325911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GrnEydDvl/pseuds/GrnEydDvl
Summary: "Hijikata won't die, even if you kill him." Yukimura Chizuru really believed that. So she is unprepared to face reality when the worst does happen. But she never expected that Saito Hajime would be the one to pick up the pieces of her broken life.





	An Unexpected Life

**Author's Note:**

> This story is being turned into a doujinshi by the incredibly talented CleomiGadon! Check it out here: https://www.deviantart.com/CleomiGadon

Chizuru awoke to the sound of birds chirping happily outside the window.  Despite the fact that today began what the entire government of Ezo believed to be the final battle, the joyful sound fit her mood perfectly.  She buried her face in the pillow and deeply inhaled the smell of its owner.  Hijikata smelled like freshly cooked rice, calligraphy ink, and blood, but she liked it anyway.  It was the smell of the man she loved after all.  Memories of the night before washed over her like a warm blanket.  How one kiss had led to another, then another, and another, until finally their need for each other overwhelmed their sense of reason and propriety.  They clung to each other desperately, their love and anxiety about the future culminating in a night of passion Chizuru was certain she would never forget.

She opened her eyes to gaze at the man in question, only to realize that he wasn’t there.  Of course, it was an important day for him, and he had likely risen early to prepare, but she still felt just a twinge of sadness that she couldn’t kiss him just one more time in this bed that they had shared.  And then she saw it.  Lying on his pillow where his head should have been was a folded letter addressed to her, her name clearly written in his handwriting.  A smile spread across her face as she reached for the letter.  At least he had thought of her before he left, she reasoned, and given the circumstances, that was good enough for her.

She opened the letter and gasped.  She knew that Hijikata loved her, but he was a stubborn man, a proud man, who usually expressed his feelings through anger and harsh words.  She never would have believed him capable of writing something like _this_.  Chizuru clutched the letter to her chest as warmth spread throughout her entire body.  She would treasure this letter forever, she decided, no matter what the future held for them.  And with that thought in her mind, Chizuru rose to greet the day.

_In a darkened room_

_Your beauty in the moonlight_

_Fills my heart with joy_

ooooooooooooooooo

 It was seasickness, Chizuru decided, that was causing her nausea.  The trip from Ezo to the mainland didn’t take particularly long, but the sea was rough and the boat was rocking back and forth.  She had never suffered from seasickness before, but, considering everything that had happened, she wasn’t surprised.  She hadn’t felt herself for weeks.  And who could blame her?  It had been six weeks since Hijikata, the love of her life, died in her arms.  Everything since then had been a bit of a blur.  The republic of Ezo lost the war.  Many of the officers either committed seppuku or were arrested.  As a woman, and a clearly distraught one at that, Chizuru was overlooked as a simple servant when the imperial army raided the military headquarters, and so she was mercifully left alone.

Which left her in an awkward position.  She knew she didn’t belong in Ezo anymore, but she had nowhere to go.  Hijikata was dead, her father was dead, and so many of her friends were either dead or missing.  She had tried to remain strong throughout all of the loss and fighting, for Hijikata’s sake.  If he was going to bear this burden, then she would too.  It was the only way she could justify staying by his side.  She couldn’t afford to let fear or grief or loss overwhelm her.  But things were different now.  Hijikata was dead.  Chizuru had never felt so lost and alone.

Which is why it came as a complete and utter surprise when she disembarked and found herself face to face with someone she knew.

“Saito-san?” Chizuru exclaimed, bewilderment and relief flowing through her.  “You’re alive?  I’m so glad to see you.”

“Yukimura,” Saito replied, his face impossible to read as always.  “I apologize for my tardiness.  I sustained wounds while fighting in Aizu and only just recovered.  I came here to join the commander, but it appears I arrived too late.  Where is Hijikata-san?”  At the mention of Hijikata, Chizuru’s face fell.  She lowered her head, not wanting to speak the words necessary to deliver the devastating news, but Saito seemed to understand by her reaction.

“I see,” he said, gazing skyward.  “A great light has gone out.  He will be sorely missed.”  That was an understatement if she ever heard one, but that much emotion coming from someone as stoic as Saito meant a great deal to her.  It brought her a strange sense of comfort.

They shared a companionable silence, each mourning the loss of their fallen comrade.

“So what are you going to do now?” Chizuru asked.  “With the war over.”  Saito didn’t reply right away.  Perhaps he was contemplating that very question, just as she was, or perhaps he was still processing Hijikata’s death.  But after a long pause, he replied.

“I suppose I will go to Edo to search for Nagakura and Harada.  I have not yet heard news of their deaths, so there is hope that they are still alive.”  Saito turned to her and considered her for a moment.  “Would you…like to join me?”  Chizuru gasped.  She had never expected Saito of all people to ask her to travel with him, but she supposed the circumstances were rather unique.  And she was hopeful at the thought that at least some of their companions may have survived the war.  But most of all, she was grateful that Saito had given her something to do, some purpose, some destination, to distract her from the sorrow that threatened to overwhelm her every moment.

“If you would have me, it would be an honor,” she replied, deciding that formality fit the moment better.  Saito nodded, and with that, they began their journey.

ooooooooooooooooooo

They traveled south, towards Edo, but with each passing day, it became clearer and clearer that something was wrong.  Chizuru’s nausea hadn’t abated.  If anything, it had become worse.  She vomited several times, particularly in the morning.  She tried to hide how she was feeling from Saito, not wanting him to think her weak, but he was an extremely perceptive man and could not fail to notice that she was feeling ill.

“I’m taking you to the doctor,” he declared one morning during breakfast after they had been traveling for about a week.  Chizuru had just pushed her nearly untouched food away, nausea and depression suppressing her appetite.

“I’m fine,” Chizuru assured him.  “Really.  I haven’t felt well since…well, since Hijikata-san died.  It’s nothing you should concern yourself with.  I’ll get better, I promise.”  But Saito would not be convinced.

“It would be troublesome for me if you were to fall severely ill on the road,” he said.  “Medical knowledge is not something I possess.  We are in no great hurry.  We will take a few days to tend to your health.”  His tone left no room to argue, and Chizuru decided that it would be better to give up and go see a doctor, to appease Saito if nothing else.

They found a clinic in the small town they were staying in and Saito told Chizuru he would wait while the doctor examined her.  The doctor asked her many questions and gave her a thorough physical.  After a while he smiled and said,

“Congratulations!”

“Huh?”  ‘Congratulations’ was certainly not something she was expecting to hear.  “I don’t understand.”  The doctor smiled again.

“You’re pregnant.”

“I’m what?”  Chizuru couldn’t believe her ears.  She felt like she was underwater and the doctor’s words were muffled by the refraction.

“I said, you’re pregnant.”  Chizuru was slow to absorb the information.  She was pregnant.  With Hijikata’s child.  Her first reaction was shock, then joy, then pure terror.  She was overwhelmed with the thought that a tangible part of Hijikata resided inside her, but what was she supposed to do with a baby?  She was, for all intents and purposes, alone.  A single, unmarried woman with no home and no family.  And what was she supposed to tell Saito?

“I’ll give you some medicine for your nausea,” the doctor continued, mistaking her reaction for silent excitement.  “But you’ll be just fine.”  Chizuru nodded, barely listening.

The doctor walked her out and Saito rose to meet them.

“How is she?” he asked.  The doctor grinned.

“Oh, your wife is just fine.  She’s…”

“Sensei!”  Chizuru cut him off before he could finish.  “I’ll tell him later.”  The doctor smiled knowingly.

“Of course,” he replied, misunderstanding the situation entirely.  But, Chizuru decided, that was to her benefit and Saito mercifully didn’t bother to correct the doctor.

“So how are you?” Saito asked as they left.  Chizuru forced a smile on her face.

“I’m just fine!” she lied.  “The doctor said it was nothing and gave me some medicine for my nausea.”  She held up the little packets.  “See, everything’s ok.”

“If everything is ok, then why are you lying to me?”  Chizuru stopped in her tracks. 

“W…why do you think I’m lying to you?” she stammered, but her cover was blown.  If Saito had seen through her initial lie, there was no way he would fail to recognize this one.  He responded to her stupidity by saying nothing.  Chizuru took a deep breath.

“Saito-san, I’m…pregnant.”  It felt strange to say it out loud.  It hadn’t really sunk in yet, even for her, so she couldn’t imagine how Saito must be feeling.  There was a heavy silence, filled only by the sound of the wind and the background chatter of pedestrians out for a stroll.

“Hijikata-san?” Saito asked, but it was more of a statement than a question.

“How did you know?” Chizuru asked in amazement, her face flushing with embarrassment.  She had never meant to tell anyone, least of all Saito, about that night, but there was no hiding it now.

“It has been clear to me for quite a while how you felt about each other,” Saito replied, and that shocked Chizuru more than anything, because Saito left them almost a year ago and Chizuru only learned that Hijikata responded to her feelings for him when she arrived in Ezo.  Honestly, she believed that he had fallen for her during their time apart.  But if Saito knew, then Hijikata had loved her for much longer than she realized.  That thought caused her pain, so she pushed it out of her mind with great difficulty, to be revisited at another time.  At the moment, she had more pressing issues to deal with.

“So what are you going to do?” Saito asked, and Chizuru had no clue what to say.

“I honestly have no idea.  It’s ironic, isn’t it?  This should be happy news, but now I’m just…scared.  I guess I’m weak aren’t I?”  Saito shook his head.

“There is nothing weak about feeling scared in your position.”  Chizuru smiled sadly, grateful for his support.

“Thank you, Saito-san.”  Saito considered her carefully.

“Would you like to marry me?”  For the second time that day, Chizuru was convinced she misheard.

“What?”

“A pregnant woman should have a husband.  It would be an honor to protect you and Hijikata-san’s child.”

“No I…I couldn’t!” Chizuru stammered.  “I couldn’t do that to you, Saito-san.  Why would you marry me?  You have your own life to live.  You shouldn’t be tied down married to someone like me.”

“Ever since I met him, my life has been dedicated to fighting for, and protecting, Hijikata Toshizo.  He was the first person to acknowledge me, and to recognize my strength, despite my left handed stance.  I vowed to spend the rest of my life repaying his kindness.  He is, sadly, no longer here.  Therefore, there is no better purpose for my life then to protect his child, and the woman he loved.  The decision is yours.  The offer stands.”

Chizuru didn’t know how to respond.  She was flattered, to say the least, that Saito was willing to go so far for Hijikata and herself.  She had always liked Saito.  Despite his ruthlessness on the battlefield, he had a soft spot for people he cared about, was easily embarrassed, and found beauty in the simple things in life.  He was also surprisingly gentle when he wasn’t killing people.  She certainly didn’t love him the way she had loved Hijikata, and she felt the enormous guilt of betrayal that she was even entertaining the thought of marrying another man.  Under normal circumstances, she wouldn’t have even considered it, but these weren’t normal circumstances.  She was pregnant.  Hijikata wasn’t alive to be by her side and raise his child, but Saito was.  And she couldn’t deny that having a husband would solve many of her problems.  She didn’t want to take advantage of Saito, but given her condition, marrying him was certainly her best option.  She took a deep breath.

“You have to promise me, that if you find another woman who you want for your wife, you will leave me and marry her instead.”

“I could never do such a disgraceful thing,” Saito replied, and Chizuru knew it to be true.

“Alright then, if you find another woman who you want for your wife, then I will leave you.  Is that acceptable?”  Saito glared at her.

“I…suppose.”  Chizuru smiled at him.

“Then, Saito-san, I would be honored to be your wife.”

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

They were married that afternoon at a quaint Shinto shrine on the outskirts of town.  If the priest was confused about marrying a man in Western military garb to a woman in men’s clothing, he made no mention of it.  The wedding was simple, with no fanfare, and was over rather quickly.  Chizuru was glad.  If the wedding had been a big event, she may have felt too guilty to go through with it.

They went out to eat afterwards at a casual soba shop, but an awkward silence hung over them. At least, it was awkward for Chizuru.  It was difficult to tell what Saito was thinking.  He looked the same as always.  Finally, Chizuru couldn’t take it anymore.

“Saito-san,” she began, and he looked up from his food.  “Thank you.”

“There is nothing to thank me for,” he replied, returning to his meal.  “I only did what anyone in my position would have done.”

”I don’t think that’s true at all.  Most people wouldn’t go so far as to marry someone they didn’t love out of loyalty to an old friend.  You’re really something.”  Saito stiffened ever so slightly but didn’t reply, and Chizuru felt the silence grow awkward again.  Determined to keep the conversation going, she blurt out the first thing she could think of.

“Now that we’re married, it’s a little weird if I keep calling you ‘Saito-san’, don’t you think?  I mean, that’s my name too now.”  Saito considered her.

“You may call me whatever you wish,” he said.  Chizuru smiled, glad that she was at least managing to hold his attention in a conversation.

“Ok.  Then, ‘anata’?”  Saito blushed from his cheeks all the way to the roots of his hair.  Chizuru was convinced she could have cooked an egg on his face.

“Please, anything but that.”  Chizuru couldn’t help but giggle at Saito’s obvious discomfort.  She hadn’t meant to tease him, but his reaction was so adorable.  Saito turned, if possible, even redder.

“Just call me by my name,” Saito said.  “And I will call you ‘Chizuru’.”  Chizuru smiled affectionately.

“Ok, Hajime-san it is.”  Saito seemed content with that, and they lapsed back into silence, but it was a much more comfortable silence than it had been before.  And it remained that way until they returned to the inn that they were staying in and Saito opened the door to their room to reveal their futons, which had been laid out for them.  Saito had insisted early in their journey that he did not think a woman in a strange city should be in a room alone, a sentiment which Chizuru shared.  There was a reason she dressed as a man when traveling by herself.  Earlier, she had been grateful for Saito’s consideration, but tonight was different.  She hadn’t thought about it before, but the futons made her painfully aware of her new situation.  She and Saito were married now.  That meant…No.  She couldn’t do that.  Not now, not so soon after losing Hijikata, not with a man she didn’t love.  Saito noticed her discomfort.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.  Chizuru gave him a strained smile.

“Well, it’s just, our wedding night, so…I’m uh, mentally preparing myself,” she stuttered, feeling like a pathetic child and hating herself for it.  Saito took a step towards her and she looked up at him.  His gaze bore into her, gripping her tightly and preventing her from moving.

“It seems,” he said, his voice deadly serious, “that you misunderstand the nature of our marriage.  I apologize to you for not making it clearer.  I married you so that I could protect you.  I want nothing more from you than to allow me the privilege of doing so.  Therefore, you should never feel obligated to come into my bed.  I will never lay an unwanted finger on you.”  His words were clear and honest and left no room for doubt.  Chizuru could feel the truth behind them, and they made her feel safer than she could have thought possible.  For the first time, she felt genuinely glad that she had taken Saito up on his offer of marriage.

“Thank you,” she said, and her relief showed on her face.

“There is nothing to thank me for.  Now go to bed.  We will leave early tomorrow.  I want to reach Edo while you are still in a condition to travel.”

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

When Chizuru awoke in the morning, Saito was gone.  It seemed that the men in her life had a nasty habit of doing that.  But she didn’t have to wait long for him.  She had barely gotten dressed when he returned.

“You’re awake,” he said.  “Good.”

“Where were you?”  Saito held up a small package.

“I needed to purchase provisions for our journey.  And there was something else I wanted to get.”  Chizuru looked at him curiously.  Saito handed her a bundle of bright yellow cloth.

“What is this?” Chizuru asked and Saito blushed ever so slightly.

“An obi.  A woman’s obi.  There is no more need for you to dress as a man.  As long as we are together, I will protect you.”  Now it was Chizuru’s turn to blush.

“You didn’t have to,” she said warmly, running a loving hand over the obi.  It had been a long time since she had dressed as a woman.  Not a geisha, but a normal, ordinary woman.  She didn’t mind dressing as a man, she had become accustomed to it.  But she liked the idea of being able to finally take off her kodachi and hakama and be a proper woman again.

“Thank you Sai…Hajime-san.”  Saito blushed again and turned away from her.

“When you have finished changing, meet me downstairs.”  And with that he left her alone, leaving the room with slightly more speed than was necessary.  Chizuru giggled.  Honestly, Saito was embarrassed over the cutest things.

She undid the bundle and noticed that it contained more than just an obi.  Tucked inside the folds of cloth was a hairpin.  It was wooden with a beautiful design of a phoenix painted on the surface.  It was stunning.  It must have been expensive.  Chizuru wasn’t quite sure what to make of it.  The obi was one thing, but the hairpin?  The Saito she knew wouldn’t waste money on such frivolities.  But as she tied the obi and did her hair the way she had so many years ago when she still lived with her father, she felt a strange sense of excitement at her feminine appearance.

“Chizuru?” Saito exclaimed when she met him downstairs.  His eyes were wide with shock, amazed at what a transformation a simple obi and hairpin wrought in her appearance.  Chizuru had an innate beauty that was impossible to mask, even when she dressed as a man, but now in woman’s attire, she was positively radiant.  He blushed at the thought.

“Does it look weird?” Chizuru asked, suddenly self-conscious at Saito’s reaction.

“No, weird is not how I would describe it.  You look…nice.”  His blush deepened, and Chizuru felt even more self-conscious.  Even a plain sounding compliment like “nice” coming from someone like Saito was a big deal.

“You didn’t have to buy the hairpin,” Chizuru said, trying to cover for her embarrassment. 

“Do you not like it?”

“No, it’s not that.  It’s lovely.  It’s just…unnecessary.”  Saito looked away from her.

“I thought it would suit you,” he said in a lowered voice, but Chizuru heard it anyway, and her embarrassment increased.  She had no idea what to say in response to that, so she was grateful when Saito broke the silence with talk of business.

“Come, let us eat and be off.  We have a long road ahead of us.”

ooooooooooooooooooooo

By the time they reached Edo, Chizuru was showing clear signs of her pregnancy.  She was grateful that Saito had thought to buy her the obi; her male clothing would be quite worthless and rather strange looking with her visible baby bump.

“We should find a place to stay,” Saito said as they stopped for lunch.  “You should rest.  I will begin my search for Nagakura and Harada tomorrow.”

“There’s no need,” Chizuru replied.  “I used to live here with my father.  It’s likely very dusty, but we can stay at my house.” Saito nodded. 

They had just entered Chizuru’s neighborhood when she heard someone call her name.

“Chizuru-chan!” said a startled and excited voice.  “Chizuru-chan, is that really you?”  Chizuru turned towards the voice and found herself face to face with a young woman, no older than her with a perfectly round face, fair complexion, and eyes that were dancing with excitement.

“Sakuya-chan?” Chizuru gasped, a grin spreading across her face.  Sakuya ran forward and grasped Chizuru’s hands in hers.

“I can’t believe it!” Sakuya exclaimed.  “It’s really you!  It’s been ages.  Where have you been?”

“It’s a long story,” Chizuru said with a laugh.  “And hard to explain.  How have you been?”  Sakuya laughed.

“Same as always I guess.”  Sakuya looked at Chizuru’s belly, then at Saito, and smiled knowingly.  “It looks like you’ve finally found yourself a man.”

“Ah, well, let me introduce you.  Sakuya-chan, this is Saito Hajime.  My husband.  Hajime-san, this is Takeda Sakuya, my childhood friend.”  Chizuru felt a rush of guilt at lying to Sakuya, even by omission.  By introducing Saito this way, she was certainly implying that he was the father of the child inside her.  She supposed that much of the reason she had married Saito was so that people would believe this to be the case, but with her dear friend, she found it hard to lie.  It also meant that she could never tell Sakuya the truth about Hijikata, who he was and what he meant to her.  The thought made her extraordinarily sad.

Saito nodded his acknowledgement of the introduction.

“Hmm,” Sakuya said suspiciously, sizing him up.  She took in his Western dress, short hair, and sword placement on his right hip.  Saito stood tall and unflinching during Sakuya’s scrutiny, but it made Chizuru uncomfortable.  People were apt to judge Saito too quickly and incorrectly for his left-handed sword style, and she didn’t want Sakuya to misunderstand him.

“I don’t know about this one,” Sakuya said.  “Is he strong?”

“He’s the strongest person I’ve ever met, and I know some of the strongest swordsmen in Japan,” Chizuru said with more force than was probably necessary.  Saito’s eyes widened in shock at her outburst.  Sakuya laughed.

“Wow, what a doting wife.  You’re adorable Chizuru-chan.”

“It’s not doting if it’s true,” Chizuru mumbled, and Sakuya laughed again.  She clasped Chizuru on the shoulder.

“I guess if he’s half as strong as you say he is, then I’m relieved.  At least you found someone who can protect you.”  Chizuru blushed.

“Well, I’ll leave you to it then,” Sakuya said.  “I have errands to run and I’m sure you have things to do as well.  I’ll come by later and bring you a welcome home gift.”  Chizuru smiled.

“I look forward to it!”  The girls shared one final smile and Sakuya left Chizuru and Saito alone.

“I thought Hijikata-san was the strongest swordsman you’ve ever met,” Saito said.  Chizuru looked up at him.  His expression was difficult to read, as always, but she thought it contained a mixture of joy and bitterness, which she couldn’t understand at all.  But she was likely misinterpreting.  She blushed.

“Hijikata-san was incredibly skilled with the sword, but his true strength lay in his ability to strategize and command his troops.  Even he acknowledged that you were the most talented swordsman in the Shinsengumi.  Although I’m not sure how happy that made Okita-san,” she said with a small chuckle.

“Hijikata-san said that did he?” Saito replied, and a rare smile spread across his face.  “Then I suppose I will have to accept that.”  Chizuru smiled at him and they continued on their way.

oooooooooooooooooooooo

The house was, as Chizuru suspected, incredibly dusty, and they spent the remainder of the day cleaning.  Sakuya came over in the evening with a meal, for which they were grateful since Chizuru had had no time to shop or cook.

The next day, Chizuru took out all of her and her father’s clothing to let them air, and she saw an old kimono of her father’s that was a very similar color to the one Saito used to wear.  After considering it for a moment, she decided to offer it to him.

"Hajime-san,” she began.  “If you would like to continue wearing your Western clothes, then by all means do so, but if you would feel more comfortable in Japanese dress, then would you like to wear this?  It was my father’s, but it should fit you just fine.”  Saito took the kimono and examined it.

“It is true that I miss the feel of a kimono,” he replied.  “Western clothing is quite stifling.  Since the days of endless battle are over, I suppose there is no harm in returning to traditional dress.”

Saito left to change into the kimono, and when he reappeared, Chizuru actually gasped.  She had grown accustomed to the Western style on the members of the Shinsengumi, but seeing Saito in a kimono just felt right.  He looked so much more like himself.

“It suits you,” she told him, and Saito blushed.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

It took almost a month for Saito to find Shinpachi, but when he did he brought him home to Chizuru and they had a celebration.

“Still, I can’t believe you two got married,” Shinpachi said for the tenth time, throwing back another cup of sake.  “I honestly didn’t see that one coming.”

“Life can sometimes take one on an unexpected path,” Saito said, refilling Shinpachi’s now empty sake cup.

“I’ll say,” Shinpachi replied.  “Hey Chizuru,” he said with a smirk.  “Which came first, the wedding or the baby?”

“Na-Nakaura-san!” Chizuru exclaimed, blushing furiously.  Shinpachi had unknowingly trod on an extremely delicate matter, one which was bringing Chizuru guilt all over again.  They hadn’t told Shinpachi who the real father of the child was, allowing him to believe that it was Saito, and it bothered Chizuru again, just as it had with Sakuya, that she was lying to the people she cared about.  Shinpachi however, was completely oblivious to her guilt.  He laughed heartily.

“Sorry Chizuru, I just couldn’t resist.  I’m happy for you guys you know.  Really.  At least some good came out of this war.”  The mood in the room fell.  Shinpachi had informed them of Sano’s death, and although the reunion between friends was a joyful occasion, the lack of the others who should have been there was palpable.

“We who survived,” Saito began, looking at his sake, “should continue to live our lives with pride.  It is what our comrades would have wanted, and what we fought for.  It is the best way to honor their memory.”  Shinpachi rubbed the back of his head.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.  Good words from a man who’s about to be a father.”

“The child in Chizuru’s womb,” Saito continued, “represents all of us, and all of our futures.  The hopes of the Shinsengumi reside within him.”  Shinpachi whistled, clearly impressed.

“That’s a lot of pressure to put on one kid.  You’re going to have your hands full Chizuru.”  Chizuru laughed.  Saito’s words had touched her deeply.  She placed an affectionate hand on her swollen belly.

“You have a lot of work to do to live up to your father,” she told her stomach, and at that moment, she wasn’t sure if she was referring to Hijikata or Saito or both, but just then it didn’t matter.

ooooooooooooooooooo

Over the next few months, Chizuru and Saito settled down into a routine.  Saito found work as a teacher at a dojo, a job he thoroughly enjoyed, and Chizuru fell comfortably into her role as housewife.  She had essentially taken on many of the cooking and cleaning duties at the Shinsengumi headquarters, so these tasks were nothing new and suited her just fine.

Shimpachi and Sakuya visited almost every day, and both she and Saito enjoyed the company.

They placed an altar to the fallen members of the Shinsengumi in their home and Chizuru prayed there every day.  She talked to all her old friends, Heisuke, Sano, Souji, and the others, but she spent the most time talking to Hijikata.  She wanted him to know that she was healthy and happy, that the baby was growing nicely, and that Saito was caring for her and treating her well.

And he was certainly doing that.  Saito, it seemed, had a sweet side that Chizuru had formerly known nothing about.  He smiled more often, she noticed, and his face seemed softer than it had in years.  He made sure to thank her for each and every meal she cooked, even if was just a simple cup of tea, and told her how delicious everything was.  He also started bringing home small gifts, such as stick of dango, a flower, or a ribbon for her hair.  At first it was only once in a while, but the gifts rapidly increased in frequency until he was giving her something almost every day.  Chizuru wasn’t quite sure what to make of his behavior.  She supposed that the fact that he and his friends weren’t risking their lives on a daily basis had something to do with it, but that wouldn’t explain the exceptional kindness he was showing her.

She asked him about it one evening, when he brought home some manju from a well-known shop that he had clearly gone out of his way to purchase.

“Hajime-san,” she began.  “Why are you so kind to me all of a sudden?”  Saito looked confused.

“In what way?” he asked.  Had he really not noticed what he was doing?

“I mean, saying nice things to me, bringing me presents all the time.  You don’t have to, you know.”  Saito looked mildly uncomfortable.

“Do you wish me to stop?” he asked, and Chizuru felt bad.  It wasn’t like Saito was doing anything wrong, and she felt like she was trotting on his good intentions.

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” she said.  “It’s just, well, you never used to do things like this, so I was wondering what had changed.”  Saito considered her, as if choosing his words carefully.

“Peace, I suppose.  It is a strange feeling for a soldier to live through a war to see peacetime.  I believe that my behavior is simply my selfish way of taking advantage of the life I have been unwittingly granted.  Do not dwell on it.”  Chizuru smiled at him, incredibly pleased with his answer.

“You’re going to spoil me,” she teased.  “I’ve never been treated so well, not by anyone.”  Saito actually smiled.

oooooooooooooooooo

In the middle of the 7th month of her pregnancy, things took a turn for the worse.  Chizuru awoke in the middle of the night with a pain so horrific it threatened to split her in two.  Saito rushed to call the midwife, a middle aged woman named Oda who was very plump and very strict.  After examining Chizuru and giving her something for the pain, she pulled Saito aside.

“I’m going to be straight with you,” she said, keeping her voice low so that Chizuru couldn’t hear.  “There is a problem.  There’s a blockage in her uterus.  It hasn’t been an issue thus far, but as the baby grows in its last few months, it will likely be extremely painful for her.  I’ve given her some medicine, but she should stay in bed as much as possible.  Excess movement will only make it worse.  And there’s something else as well.”  Oda looked up at Saito, but if she was perturbed by his passive expression after receiving such news, she didn’t show it.  “The blockage will make her labor difficult.  Possibly too difficult.  There is a high likelihood that she won’t survive it.”  She stopped talking to allow Saito a chance to absorb that information.  A million thoughts ran through his head, but he was a trained warrior who had lived his life arm and arm with death.  He kept his face passive, but inside his heart was racing.

“Is there anything you can do for her?” he asked, his voice perfectly level.  Now Oda was definitely bothered by his lack of emotion.

“I’ll do what I can, but this won’t be easy,” she replied, her eyes narrowing, convinced that Saito didn’t comprehend the gravity of the situation.  “The medicine will help with the pain, but I can’t give her too much of it.  Naturally, I won’t let her or the child die that easily, but you have to prepare yourself for the worst.  In the meantime, you need to pick up the slack around the house.  Hire a maid if you must, but she should not get out of bed any more than she has to.  Understand?”  Saito nodded and thanked Oda for her help.

Oda shook her head as she left the house.

“I hope she’ll be alright with that unfeeling husband of hers.  He’s not normal, that one.  I feel sorry for her.”

Oda needn’t have worried.  Saito rose to the challenge spectacularly.  He sat by Chizuru’s bedside when she was in pain, day or night, wiping the sweat off her face with a damp cloth and offering her what comfort he could.  He cut down his time at the dojo and took on all the cooking and cleaning duties himself.  He had learned how to do such chores at the Shinsengumi headquarters, and those skills were put to good use now.  Sakuya and Shinpachi helped out as much as they could, concerned for Chizuru, but Sakuya had her own family to take care of and Shinpachi was mostly useless when it came to housework, so Saito was left with the bulk of the responsibilities.  But these tasks were nothing.  The real problem lay in the actual labor.

“Don’t worry,” Chizuru reassured him when he broke the news to her.  “I’m an Oni, remember?  My wounds heal quickly.  I won’t die that easily.”  But she said it more in an attempt to reassure Saito than because she actually believed it.  Inside she was terrified.  She knew it was selfish, after so many had died, but she wanted to live.  She wanted to have her baby and raise him to be strong and wonderful like his two fathers.  She didn’t want to die like this.

“You won’t die,” Saito told her, and his confidence encouraged her.  “I won’t let you.  I give you my word.”  Chizuru nodded.  For now, she would trust him.  It was all she could do.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

One morning, Saito opened the door to find the world covered in snow.  At first he frowned.  He didn’t think the cold, wet weather would be good for Chizuru, especially after she had been up late last night in pain.  But then he had an idea.  Reaching down, he gathered up a small handful of snow and rolled it into a ball.  He searched the yard for the other items he needed, then brought his creation inside.

“I have something for you,” he said to Chizuru and she looked at him quizzically.  He knelt beside her futon and held out his hand to reveal a snow rabbit, similar to the one she had made him years ago.

“It’s the first time I’ve made something like this,” Saito said with a small blush.  “So I’m not sure if I did it properly.”  Chizuru giggled.

“It’s perfect,” she said with a smile.  “Thank you.”  Saito’s blush deepened.

“There’s nothing to thank me for,” he replied, and Chizuru laughed again.

“You always say that.  Every time I thank you, you always say, ‘there’s nothing to thank me for.’  But I don’t think that’s true.  You’ve done so much for me these past few months, and I’m grateful for everything.  Really.  How could I not thank you?”  Saito wasn’t sure how to respond.

“I don’t do the things I do to garner your thanks,” he said at last, and Chizuru sighed.

“You’re a complicated man, you know that?”  She laughed at the look of confusion her words put on Saito’s face.

ooooooooooooooooooooo

 Chizuru went into labor on a cold winter morning, the air so crisp you could see your breath.  Saito’s lungs burned as he ran through the streets to Oda’s house but he would never have considered stopping.

Sakuya came to the house to help with the labor, and Shinpachi came to keep Saito company and wait for news.  The men were shooed out of the room.

“This is women’s work,” Oda insisted.  “Men should know their place and be patient.”

Saito and Shinpachi sat on the porch, doing their best to ignore the cold and the sound of Chizuru’s screams.  Shinpachi paced back and forth nervously, grumbling to himself, but Saito simply sat in seiza, his hands folded in his lap, his eyes turned downward.  He looked the very picture of peace, but inside he was exploding.

“How long is this supposed to last?” Shinpachi asked in frustration.  “It’s been hours!”  It was well past lunch time, but neither of them had bothered to eat.  Chizuru had been in labor for eight hours and so far they had heard nothing from the room but screams which rent through the air every few minutes and tore at Saito with a pain so excruciating it was like getting sliced in half with a sword.

“We just have to be patient,” Saito said, more to himself than to Shinpachi.  “Takeda-san or Oda-san will notify us if something happens.”

“How can you be so calm?!” Shinpachi yelled.  “That’s your wife in there!”

“Do I look calm?” Saito replied, and to an outside observer he certainly did, but Shinpachi knew Saito better than that and could see the tension that was oozing out of his body.

“Damn,” Shinpachi swore, kicking a post.

“I won’t let anything happen to Chizuru,” Saito said, his voice firm.  “If it comes to it, I will remove the baby myself.”  Shinpachi gaped at him.

“You’ll what?  Don’t be ridiculous.  You can’t do that.”

“Under normal circumstances, with a normal woman, no.  I could not.  But Chizuru is not a normal woman.”  Shinpachi’s eyes went wide with understanding.

“But that’s still crazy risky!”  Saito nodded.

 “Agreed.  It is not something I would like to do.  But if the situation calls for it, I will do what must be done.  I will not let Chizuru or the baby die.”

oooooooooooooooooooo

Hours passed and the moon rose and still there was no change.  At long last the door to the room slid open, and Sakuya emerged, but rather than a baby, her arms were full of bloody blankets.

“How is it?” Shinpachi asked, the worry and anguish in his voice clear.  Sakuya looked at the floor.

“It’s…not going well,” she replied, her voice shaking.  “She’s bleeding.  I’ve never seen so much blood.  Oda-san keeps reassuring her, but her strength is waning.  I don’t think she can take much more of this.”  Saito had heard enough.  Ignoring Sakuya’s gasp of surprise at his sudden movement he marched past her and threw the door open.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Oda exclaimed, but Saito was only interested in Chizuru.  Her face was drawn and deathly pale, her lips dry, and her breathing shallow and unsteady.  There was another pile of bloody blankets lying next to her.  This had gone on long enough.

“Saito-san, you can’t be in here…” Oda began, but Saito cut her off.

“Get out!” he demanded, and his tone of voice left no room for argument.  But Oda stood firm.

“I will do no such thing,” she insisted, holding her ground.  “This is not a place for you.  Please leave…”  But before she could finish there was a sword at her throat.

“Get out or I will strike you where you stand.”  Saito’s eyes burned with the cold fury of a highly trained killer.  Oda looked like she had swallowed a lemon, but she obeyed.

“Nagakura, keep them away from this room,” Saito instructed, and Shinpachi nodded.

“Understood,” he replied.  “Come on, if you get in Saito’s way when he’s like this, people wind up dead.”  He herded a stunned Sakuya and a bitter Oda out of the room, leaving Saito and Chizuru alone.

“Hajime-san,” Chizuru said, her voice barely a whisper.  “I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Saito reassured her, sitting down next to her.  For the first time in his life, he reached out and took her hand in his.  “You’re not going to die.  I’m not going to let you.  I promised you I would protect you, and I’m going to keep that promise.”  Chizuru gave a weak laugh.

“The baby’s stuck, Hajime-san.  There’s nothing you can do.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

“I never have and I never will.  Listen, Chizuru.  I want to cut the baby out of you.”  Chizuru’s eyed opened wide, but she listened carefully to Saito’s plan.

“You are an Oni,” he continued.  “I believe it’s the only reason this labor has gone on as long as it has, considering how much blood you’ve lost.  A wound on your stomach should heal before it has time to cause any real damage.”  Chizuru considered this, then nodded.

“I trust you,” she said, and gave him a thin smile.

“It will hurt,” he warned.

“It’s ok.”  Saito moved from his place beside her head and situated himself closer to her stomach.

“Excuse me,” he said as he opened her kimono to reveal her bare skin.  He drew his sword and poised it carefully over her.  Years of sinking sword into flesh had given him a sense of how much pressure to apply to cut skin, severe muscles, or break bone, but never had he performed an operation as delicate as this.  But he didn’t hesitate.

Chizuru groaned as he cut into her, but she didn’t scream and held as still as she could.  Saito extended the cut as long as he dared, then slowly peeled away the layers of skin and fascia.  After what seemed like ages but was only a few seconds, he cut through the uterus to reveal a tiny person, curled up and covered in blood and slime.  Saito sheathed his sword and pulled the baby out.  Once the baby was free, he looked back at the wound, but it had already begun to close.  He waited until it healed completely before allowing himself a sigh of relief.

“Are you alright Chizuru?” he asked turning to her, but Chizuru’s pale face was lined with worry.

“Hajime-san, he isn’t breathing!”  For the first time, Saito looked at the child in his arms, and, sure enough, the baby seemed more like a lifeless doll than a living “Oda-san,” Saito called, and Oda, Sakuya, and Shinpachi burst into the room.  They took in the sight of Chizuru, deathly white and concerned, with a layer of fresh blood on her otherwise unmarred belly, and Saito, holding a limp baby.

“What happened in here?” Sakuya asked, rooted to the spot.  Luckily, Oda recovered faster, clearly deciding that whatever had happened, there were more important things to attend to.

“Give me that,” she ordered, indicating the baby, and Saito handed him over.  Oda turned the baby on his stomach and gave him a sharp whack between his shoulder blades.

And then a miraculous thing happened.  The baby started to cry.  The sound filled the room, overwhelming everyone there.  And then Chizuru began to cry, joy and relief filling her to the brim.  Sakuya cried too, and Shinpachi rubbed his tearing eyes, laughing with mirth.  Saito turned back to Chizuru and gave her a look of pure, unadulterated affection that made her heart skip a beat and her stomach flip over.

“Well done,” he said, offering her the largest smile she had ever seen on his face.  “Well done.”  Chizuru smiled back at him, and this time she was the one to take his hand.

“Thank you,” she said, and Saito smiled again.

“There is nothing to thank me for.”  Chizuru laughed.

“I would like to ask what the hell happened in here, but I don’t believe that any of you are going to give me a straight answer,” Oda said, clearly put out by the whole situation.  “So I will just offer my congratulations.  You have a healthy baby boy.”  The whole room cheered.

Oda washed the baby and wrapped him a blanket, and at long last, placed him in Chizuru’s arms.  She looked at her baby’s face properly for the first time.  And gasped.  The baby was the spitting image of his father.  Same brilliant amethyst eyes, same jet black hair, same thin nose.  There was no mistaking it.  She looked at Saito with concern, but he just smiled at her.

“He’s perfect,” he said, and those words made Chizuru’s heart soar.

“Let me see him!” Shinpachi said, his excitement palpable.  He jumped over to the bedside, took one look at the baby, and froze.

“Hijikata-san,” he blurted out.

A second too late Shinpachi clamped his hand over his mouth, but the damage had been done.  Chizuru and Saito exchanged a knowing look and, after a quick conversation with just their eyes, nodded in agreement.  Saito rose.

“Nagakura, can I have a word,” he said, his serious demeanor back.  They could hear Chizuru’s nervous laughter, and words of “don’t worry about it, it’s nothing,” to the other women as they retreated outside where they could talk in private.

Shinpachi clapped his hands together over his head and bowed in apology.

“Sorry, Saito, I didn’t mean to say that.  I didn’t mean anything by it…”

“You are correct,” Saito cut him off before he could finish.  “Hijikata-san is that child’s father.”  Shinpachi gaped at him, clearly at a loss.

“What’s going on?” he asked, anger and confusion on his face.  “Why did Chizuru just have Hijikata-san’s child?  Aren’t you two married?  When did this happen?”  Saito’s face remained passive.

“I married Chizuru to protect her after she found out she was with child.  Hijikata-san was already dead when she received the news and I couldn’t leave her alone.  That is all.  Our marriage…isn’t real.”  Shinpachi stared at him for a moment, then balled his hands into fists, his body shacking with rage.

“Don’t give me that crap,” he said, his words teeming with fury.  “Don’t you dare pretend that that’s all this is.  Don’t act like you don’t care at all, and _don’t_ say something sick like ‘our marriage isn’t real.’  Saito, you’re in love with her.”  His words hung on the air in the still night, their weight thick as buttermilk.

“I don’t believe I ever said that,” Saito replied coolly.  Shinpachi snorted.

“You didn’t have to.  How long have we been friends?  You’ve been in love with her for ages, since way back in our Shinsengumi days.  You hid it well, I’ll give you that, but don’t think Sano and I didn’t notice.”  Saito didn’t reply right away.  He gazed up at the moon and closed his eyes, deep in thought.

“How I may or may not feel about her is irrelevant.  I would have married her even if I despised her.  I felt it was my duty.”  Shinpachi was not appeased.

“How is that irrelevant?  You love your wife!  That’s not a crime you know.”  Saito was silent.

“Have you told her?” Shinpachi asked.

“She does not need to know.”

“Bullshit!”  Saito glared at Shinpachi.

“She is in love with Hijikata-san,” Saito said firmly.  “I have accepted that.  It is the cornerstone of our marriage.  Besides, I married her to protect her.  I believe that, and she believes it.  I never want her to think that I took advantage of her pregnancy to force her into a marriage she didn’t want all to fulfill some desire I may or may not have had to be by her side.  That was never my intention and I do not want it to be misconstrued as such.”  Shinpachi heaved a frustrated sigh.

“Dang, you’re really something, you know that.  I don’t know how you do the things you do and stay sane.  So have you really not slept with her?  Must be torture.”  Saito flushed.

“Not everyone is as uncouth as you are.”  Shinpachi grinned knowingly.  Saito sighed and looked up at the stars.  “She permits me to stay with her and protect her.  She has given me, who only knew the way of a killer, a purpose in peacetime.  I need nothing else from her.”  Shinpachi clapped him on the back and gave him a commiserating look.

“Well, good luck with that.”

“It is unneeded.”

oooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Saito didn’t commit himself to people easily.  He had too many bad experiences in his childhood to have faith that the people you loved, the people you supported and cared for would extend you the same courtesy.  The flip-side, was that when he did find someone that he wanted to devote himself to, he did so thoroughly and completely. 

The first such person was Hijikata Toshizo.  Hijikata was the first person who watched him fight with his left hand and called him strong anyway.  He accepted Saito as a companion, and a force to be reckoned with, and Saito was so moved by Hijikata’s words and faith in him that he decided to follow him for the rest of his life.

The second such person was Yukimura Chizuru.  Chizuru was nothing like any woman he had ever met.  Saito lived in a world of men, so his experience with women was thin, but it had been less than pleasant.  His mother and sisters had been ashamed of him, calling him weak, useless, and an embarrassment to the family, all because he chose to fight with his left hand.  After he left them, his primary exposure to women had been the geisha he had met on trips to Shimabara and other red-light districts with the men of the Shiei kan and the Shinsengumi.  He went because he enjoyed the company of his friends, and because he liked drinking sake, not because he wanted to flirt with geisha like so many of his companions.  They were beautiful to be sure, but Saito could see right through the false smiles and empty flattery of the women who were paid to serve them, and he had no interest in it.

Chizuru was different.  She intrigued him from the moment they met.  A woman dressed in men’s clothing, traveling alone to a dangerous city like Kyoto all out of single minded love and concern for her father.  That impressed him, to say the least.  No other woman he knew would have done such a thing.  As the days passed, she continued to warrant his attention.  How she put so much effort into carving out a place for herself in a den of men who constantly threatened to end her life, and how she did so with a smile.  How her commitment to her father never wavered, and how she continually asked for permission to search for him.  When she had finally asked him and Okita outright if she could go out, he had wanted to help, so he offered to test her skills.  And he had been impressed.  She was no match for him, he never expected her to be, but she faced him with a steadfast determination and confidence that was surprisingly difficult to find even among trained men.  At the time, he had complimented her teacher because he didn’t want to put ideas into her head by complimenting her outright on something like swordsmanship, but the skill belonged to her, and her alone.

And then there was the raid on Ikeda-ya.  With no concern for her own safety, she charged headlong into a fight to tend to wounded men.  He had been mildly irritated at the time, but looking back, that was the moment his feelings started to change.  How could a woman be so selfless and brave?  He couldn’t fathom it, but he began to be more aware of her.  She was devoted and kind and caring and loyal, with an inner strength of will that overwhelmed him.  And before he knew it, he found himself falling in love with her.  It took him a while to realize why he felt a warm glow whenever she walked in the room, or why he eagerly anticipated the days when it was his turn to take her on his rounds, but eventually he figured it out.

It didn’t please him.  His first loyalty was to his sword, his second to Hijikata.  There was no room in there for frivolous things like love.  So he tried to ignore his feelings, to make them go away, but despite his best efforts they grew with each passing day and with every interaction with her.  He became aware of her every movement, every gesture, every expression.  Saito was a perceptive man to begin with, but when it came to her it seemed he could read minds.  Which was why he could not fail notice the growing affection she had for Hijikata.  And why he could not fail to notice the growing affection Hijikata had for her.  He knew that neither of them was aware of the other’s feelings, but it was only a matter of time.  Saito’s heart hurt at the realization, but he also felt a strange sense of joy that the two people he cared about most in the world had found each other.  So he steeled himself to push his own feelings aside and allow the budding romance to take its course.

When she told him she was pregnant with Hijikata’s child, he actually felt relieved that they had managed to realize their feelings for each other and had been happy together, at least for a short while.  But at the same time, he felt like someone had shoved a knife in his gut.  He hadn’t lied to Shinpachi.  It had been pure concern for her and the child that had led him to offer his protection through marriage.  It was the best solution he could think of at the time, given her situation.  When she accepted, he made a decision: she was never to know how he felt about her.  He could protect her openly but he would love her from the shadows, never allowing her to doubt that his intentions were honest.  It would be easy, he reasoned.  He had done it for so long already.

But the longer they were married, the harder it became, and he began slipping.  He felt it was only polite to give her compliments, but the look on her face was so spectacular when he did that he began finding excuses to do so.  She had smiled so beautifully when he had given her that first hairpin, that he decided to give her another small gift, then another and another, until he couldn’t help himself and began bringing her things as much as he could, just to see the look on her face when he did so.  His intention was never to seduce her, but he didn’t think that bringing some joy into her life would hurt anyone.  She had been through so much pain and suffering already, he reasoned, so why shouldn’t he do something that would make them both happy, albeit for different reasons.  Wasn’t that what they had all been fighting for in the first place?  To create a world where the people they cared about could live in peace and security?  Her happiness and safety were his primary goals, and he was content to continue to bury his feelings and live that way forever.

Which was why he never expected to wake up in the dead of night and hear what she had to say to Hijikata…

ooooooooooooooooooooooo

 Chizuru recovered quickly from her difficult labor, and soon life went back to normal for her and Saito.  Well, as normal as it could with a baby in the mix.  Chizuru named him Mirai, meaning ‘future’, since she said he was the embodiment of the future they had all fought for, and Saito had given her such a warm smile when she told him that she knew she had made the right choice. 

Chizuru found motherhood surprisingly natural, but Saito had a harder time.  He had never interacted with a baby before, and looked so awkward and clumsy holding him, changing him, and bathing him, that Chizuru couldn’t help but laugh.  It was so strange to see Saito, the man who could kill you before you even knew he was there, struggle to dress a squirming baby, and Chizuru had much fun at his expense.  Saito was determined however, and after a few weeks he had mastered most of the important tasks.  His affection for Mirai was clear, and it warmed Chizuru’s heart to see them together.  She had never seen Saito act that way with anyone, and she felt flattered and excited that she was permitted to see a side of Saito that no one else likely had.

Saito’s love for Mirai was fierce.  He never knew that he could feel this way about someone who couldn’t walk or talk, but Mirai quickly captured his heart.  Chizuru referred to Saito as Mirai’s father, and with each passing day Saito felt more and more like Mirai was indeed his own son.  The fact that he was actually Hijikata’s son only served to enhance, not detract from how Saito felt about him.  Saito had found the third person he was willing to devote his life to.  And he couldn’t have been happier about it.

oooooooooooooooooooo

Chizuru wasn’t sure when her feelings for Saito began to change, but the longer they lived together and raised a baby together, the more she felt drawn to him.  They had been friends and companions for years, so she always felt relaxed around him and enjoyed his company, but things felt different than they had before.

It was a bright sunny morning when she realized exactly what had happened to her.  The temperature was perfect, and she was outside hanging the laundry while Saito played with a six month old Mirai.  Mirai was sitting in Saito’s lap, clapping and laughing as Saito waved a toy around.  The look on Saito’s face was serene and his eyes reflected deep love for the boy in his lap.  Chizuru looked at them and smiled.  And suddenly, it hit her full force and her smile turned to a gasp as color rose in her cheeks.  She spun away from them and Saito noticed her sudden movement.

“What’s wrong?” he asked but Chizuru couldn’t turn around and face him.

“N…nothing,” she stammered, her heart hammering in her chest.  She took a few deep breaths, hoping it would reduce her blush and turned back to them.

“I think I’m just tired.  I’m going to make some tea.  Would you like some?”  Saito nodded and Chizuru escaped inside as quickly as she could without arousing suspicion.  Her hands shook as she prepared the tea and she clutched her kimono so tightly her knuckles turned white.  She had felt like this once before, but she never in a million years expected to feel it again.

“I can’t believe this is happening,” she said to herself, her voice desperate.  “What am I going to do?”

oooooooooooooooooooooo

Chizuru couldn’t sleep that night.  She lay awake, staring at the ceiling, rolling her realization over in her mind.  It felt natural and right, like settling down into a hot bath, but her thoughts weren’t without guilt.  She could hear Saito’s soft breathing beside her, and found that, rather than calming her, it was making things worse.  Finally, she came to a decision.  She rose as quietly as she could, not wanting to disturb Saito and Mirai, and went into the next room where the altar to the fallen members of the Shinsengumi was kept.  She knelt in front of it and lit a stick of incense, as she had done every single day since they placed it in their home.  But tonight was different, and she wasn’t sure how to begin.

“Hijikata-san,” she whispered, keeping her voice down to prevent from waking the others.  “Good evening.  How are you?  I’m…” she wanted to say she was well, that Mirai, Saito, and Shinpachi were well, just as she usually did, but tonight she just couldn’t force herself to stick to the formalities.  She had come here for a reason, and she needed to say it while she still had the courage.

“Hijikata-san,” she said again, her voice serious.  “I have something I need to tell you.”  She paused and took a deep breath.  “I love you.  I really, truly do.  I wanted to marry you and live my life with you.  But life doesn’t always turn out the way we expect it to.  Sometimes things happen that we can’t predict and circumstances change.

“Hajime-san and I have been married for over a year now, and he has been nothing but kind and gentle, to me and to Mirai, going way beyond what could ever be expected of him.  He loves Mirai like his own son.  He has done so much for me that I can never even begin to repay him.  Hijikata-san I…I’m in love with him.”  She paused, and a heavy silence filled the room.  With an unsteady hand, she reached into her kimono and pulled out a piece of paper.  It was the letter, the haiku that Hijikata had written for her after they had spent the night together, on the morning of his death.  She had kept it with her always, never letting it out of her sight, but now she placed it on the altar.

“I know that I shouldn’t feel this way,” she continued.  “That falling in love with him betrays everything he’s done for me, but I can’t help it.  So, Hijikata-san, I love you.  But this is goodbye.”  A single tear rolled silently down her face.

Behind her, she heard a door slide open.

“Chizuru.”  She whipped around to see Saito standing in the doorway, his face white as snow, his eyes as wide as they could go, and his jaw hanging open in a look of utter shock.  Chizuru jumped.

“Ha…Hajime-san!” she gasped, turning her face away from him.  “You…you startled me.  Is something wrong?”  Saito’s heart was racing.  He had awoken when Chizuru left the room, the sound of the door rousing him.  At first he assumed she was just thirsty, so he thought nothing of it, but then he heard her say Hijikata’s name.  He tried to ignore her, not wanting to intrude on a conversation between lovers that was so important it had disturbed Chizuru in the middle of the night, but the walls were thin and the night was silent, so he heard everything.

He had no idea what to do.  Chizuru loved Hijikata, and only Hijikata.  He had accepted that as a rule that could never be broken, because if he allowed himself to believe anything else, he didn’t think he would be able to function.  It was the only thing that kept him sane in his current situation, but now…

He swallowed hard, trying desperately to find the words that fit the moment, but they just wouldn’t come.  Mercifully, Chizuru spoke first.

“Did…did you hear me?” she asked, her cheeks turning magenta.  Saito could only nod.  Chizuru cringed.

“I’m sorry,” she apologized, and Saito finally found his voice.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for.”  Chizuru looked ashamed.

“But I…I feel like I betrayed you, betrayed your trust,” she said, unable to look him in the eye.  Saito came to sit across from her.

“You betrayed nothing,” he said, firmly but fondly.  He took a deep breath, and, with all the courage he could muster, placed a hand on her cheek.

“Did you mean that?” he asked, and Chizuru finally met his eyes.  They were glowing in the moonlit room.  Chizuru had never seen that expression on his face before.  He looked hungry, petrified, embarrassed, and hopeful all at the same time.  But what shown more brightly than anything else was love.  He was looking at her with a similar tender expression to the one he had shown Mirai earlier that day, but this one was much more passionate, and much more desperate.  Saito had never shown her so much emotion all at once, and it overwhelmed her.

“Mean what?” she asked, wanting to ensure that they were on the same page before she said something she would regret.  Saito blushed furiously, but held her gaze.

“That you…love…me,” he stammered, fighting to get the words out.  Chizuru’s blush deepened, and she looked away, unable to meet Saito’s eyes anymore.

“Even if I did it’s not like you feel the same way,” she said, the sadness in her voice clear.  Something inside Saito snapped.  All the repressed feelings he had for her, everything he had worked so hard for so long to keep hidden came boiling to the surface.  And before Chizuru knew what was happening she was in Saito’s arms and he was kissing her with an intensity she had only seen him show in the harshest of battles.  Chizuru’s brain reeled, but she soon understood what was happening and she melted into Saito’s embrace, returning his kisses with as much fervor as she was receiving them.

Eventually they broke apart, and they stared into each other’s eyes.  They felt dizzy, but elated.  Saito gave her an exceptionally hopeful look.

“Does this mean I’m allowed to…love you?” he asked.  Chizuru was only surprised by the question for a moment before her face relaxed into a warm smile.  She reached forward and took his hand.

“Nothing would make me happier.  I love you, Hajime-san.”  Saito gave her a smile filled with deep rooted love and brought her hand to his lips.

“Then, I swear to you that I will always be by your side, to protect you, and to love you, for the rest of my life.”  He looked at her like she was a precious treasure and placed a delicate, almost imperceptible kiss on her fingers.  Chizuru had never before experienced a kiss like that and it warmed her entire body all the way down to her toes.  Every time she had been kissed, either by Hijikata or Saito, it had been thick with passion, need, and burning desire.  This was different.  This kiss represented something more powerful, more important.  And suddenly Chizuru understood.  She could love Saito with everything she had for the rest of her life and could never match the pure, boundless devotion he felt for her with every fiber of his being.  Chizuru never thought that such a love could possibly exist, and yet here it was, directed at her.  Overwhelmed with emotion she leaned forward and kissed Saito, wanting him to know just how much his feelings meant to her.  Saito snaked his arms around her and kissed her back, as his heart sang.

Chizuru felt her clothes slip off, and she allowed it, never breaking their embrace.  She wanted Saito to hold her like this forever.  She wanted to be his proper wife, loving him as she should, as he deserved.  The whole thing felt like a dream, to both of them, and it was dawn before they finally pulled away from each other.

They lay in Saito’s futon, Chizuru curled up against his chest as they tried to get just a little more sleep before the day truly began.  Chizuru felt more content that she had in a long while.  Saito felt complete, like everything in his life had been building up to this single moment.

“Hajime-san,” Chizuru said before sleep overcame her.  “Thank you.”  Saito smiled and pulled the love of his life closer to him.

“There is nothing to thank me for.”

oooooooooooooooooooo

           _8 years later_

Swish.  Swish.  Swish.

The sound of two shinai swinging through the air filled the dojo.  One was held by a boy, eight years old and tall for his age, with bright amethyst eyes and long, straight, raven black hair that was tied in a low ponytail he had slung over his shoulder.  The other was held by a smaller boy, no older than six, with sparkling blue eyes that glittered like the sun reflecting off the ocean, and unruly plum colored hair that he had pulled up high.  Sweat beaded his forehead as he tried desperately to keep up with the older boy’s swings.

“No no, you’re holding it wrong again,” the older boy reprimanded, coming over to correct the younger boy’s grip.  “You have to do it like this.”  He adjusted the boy’s finger placement.  In front of them, Saito frowned.

“Mirai, if you’re going to correct your brother’s grip, at least make sure you do it properly.”  Mirai scoffed at the reprimand and looked back at his brother’s hands, realizing too late that he had placed them in the wrong spot.  Sheepishly, he corrected himself.  Saito smiled and nodded his approval.

“It’s hard to correct him when he holds his hands differently than I do,” Mirai said with a scowl, attempting to cover for his mistake.

“That’s no excuse,” Saito replied.  “We teach left handed and right handed stances here.  If you want to take over the dojo someday like you say you do, then you have to learn to teach both.”

“I’ll learn!” Mirai insisted, looking up at his father with fierce determination.  “I swear I’ll learn.”  Saito gave him an affectionate look.

“I have no doubt you will.”  It had been eight years since the night Saito and Chizuru declared their love for each other, and much had changed.  The biggest change was the addition of their second son.  Chizuru had named him Mamoru, meaning ‘to protect’, because, as she said, she wanted him to grow up to have the same strong will to protect others that his father has.  Saito could not have thought of a more fitting name.

The second change was the dojo.  After some deliberation, Saito and Shinpachi had decided to establish a dojo together.  They taught a practical style that was more functional than flashy, based on the skills they had accumulated during years of hard battle.  They also had a strict non-discrimination policy and accepted any student who wished to study there, regardless of their rank, birth, family…or preferred hand.  It soon became common knowledge that anyone wishing to become a left-handed swordsman had to study at their dojo to learn from the master himself, and they had a fair number of students.  The newest left-handed student was Mamoru, who was only a few days into his lessons.

“Oh, diligent as always I see,” Shinpachi said with a grin, appearing in the doorway.  “Practice is over you know.”  Both boys’ faces lit up.

“Ojisan!” Mamoru said with glee, running over to him, but Mirai bowed respectfully.

“Sensei,” he said in acknowledgement.  Shinpachi grinned widely.

“Man, you know I love it when you do that, but it’s after hours.  Let loose a little.”

“But we’re still in the dojo,” Mirai pointed out.  “In here, you are my sensei.  I can’t call you ojisan until we leave.”  Shinpachi rubbed the back of his head in exacerbation.  It was an argument they had had many times before, but it seemed it was one Shinpachi was destined to lose.  Mirai had been raised by Saito after all.

“Mirai is correct,” Saito said in his son’s defense.  “As long as we are in the dojo, we are their senseis, not their father and uncle.  Mamoru, you need to learn that too now that you are training here.”  Mamoru nodded.

“Sorry otousan, I’ll remember,”

“Sensei,” Saito corrected him, gently but firmly.  Mamoru blushed.

“Se…sensei,” he stuttered and Shinpachi laughed.

“Man you are too strict on them,” he said with a grin.  “Come on, let’s get out of here.  The girls said they’d make something good tonight.”

The third change was Shinpachi and Sakuya’s marriage.  Shinpachi had been uncharacteristically shy about admitting his feelings for her, but Sakuya forced it out of him one day, and they finally held a wedding.  Their daughter arrived about a year later.  Kaho was only four, but already a beauty, and Shinpachi was excessively overprotective.

They headed towards the small house behind the dojo where Shinpachi, Sakuya, and Kaho lived.  Chizuru often came over to cook with Sakuya so that the two families could eat together.  The smell of dinner wafted towards them.

“Oh, smells good in here!” Shinpachi said as they entered the house.

“Otousan!” came a tiny, excited voice, and Kaho bounded over to her father.  An enormous grin spread across Shinpachi’s face as he lifted his daughter and placed her on his shoulders.

Chizuru came over to them and knelt in front of Mamoru.

“Let me see your hands,” she said, and he held them out to her.  As one of the the ‘mothers’ of the dojo, Chizuru had treated more than her fair share of cuts and bruises over the years, and she knew from experience that new students’ hands were often covered in blood and blisters before they developed the callouses they needed.  She didn’t really have that problem with her own sons (they were half pure-blood Oni after all), but she was still a mother, so she still had to be sure.  As expected, Mamoru’s hands looked fine and healthy.  Chizuru had noticed early on that, while her boys didn’t heal from the normal scrapes and scratches of childhood as quickly as she did, their wounds still healed in mere minutes.

“Do they hurt?” she asked, and Mamoru shook his head.  Chizuru smiled at him, then looked up at Saito.

“How’s he doing?” she asked him.

“He’s doing well,” Saito replied, the pride in his voice clear.  “He’s dedicated, and that’s important.  He’ll be strong, I’m sure of it.”

“You bet he’ll be strong!” Mirai said.  “I’m going to teach him everything he needs to know since I’m going to take over the dojo one day!”  Chizuru laughed.

“Is that so?” she said.  “Well train hard, both of you.”  Mamoru nodded and Mirai flashed her a huge grin.  Saito gave his sons a proud smile.

“It’s important to have goals,” he said.  “It gives you focus and direction.  I expect great things from you.”  Mirai grinned at him.

“What about me?” Mamoru asked, giving Saito a hopeful look.  Saito gave him a tender smile and placed a hand on his head.

“Of course I expect great things from both of you.  Someday you’ll have a goal and a dream too, and we’ll support you however we can.”

“And maybe one day one of them will marry Kaho-chan,” Chizuru said with a sidewise glance at Shinpachi.  He scowled at her.

“Absolutely not!  I forbid it!  No one is marrying her!  I won’t give her away to anyone!”  Chizuru giggled.  Sakuya appeared in the doorway.

“Ok everyone, come and eat,” she said, and the party moved inside.

ooooooooooooooooooooooooo

With dinner completed, the Saito family left for their own house, walking together down the moonlit street.  Mirai and Mamoru ran a bit ahead, laughing together and talking excitedly about training.

“This is perfect,” Chizuru thought to herself.  “This is the way life should be.”  She looked at Saito who was walking beside her and felt a rush of affection towards him.  She placed her hand in the crook of his arm.

“Hajime-san,” she began.  “Thank you.”  Saito looked genuinely confused.

“What for?”

“For…for everything, I guess.  For marrying me when you didn’t have to, for loving me despite everything that happened, for Mirai and Mamoru, for this…unexpected life.  Thank you.”  Saito was taken aback by her words, but he recovered quickly.  He smiled softly and covered her hand with his own.

“There is nothing to thank me for,” he replied.  “In fact, I should be thanking you.”

“For what?”  Saito smiled.

“For marrying me when you didn’t have to, for loving me despite everything that happened, for Mirai and Mamoru, and for this unexpected life.  Thank you.”  Chizuru gasped.  Hearing her own words reflected back at her made her realize just how touching they were, and how much they must have meant to Saito.  She leaned her head against his shoulder and said the only thing that seemed appropriate.

“There is nothing to thank me for.”


End file.
